Feeling "Lotta Love"

Same old day with same old procedure, it’s Tuesday and I am still busy typing my assignments. Forcing myself to feel happy or neutral about everything. I drown myself in my tutorials again. I don’t remember since when, but I started to get addicted to gold 90.5FM. Immerse myself with unfamiliar oldies. It’s really a unique feeling. I don’t know if I am really focusing on my work, but I am forcing myself to. Is it myself, or is it fate that I came across this song. The song is called “Lotta Love”, and it was sung by Nicolette Larson. It’s really unusual for me to like fast song, especially fast English songs. I decided to check through the lyrics and to my surprise, it is reflecting exactly how i feel. It's really a fast, sad, yet loevable song, makes you feel like you are drunk listening. Maybe it’s true that similar forces attract each other, positive always attract the positive and negative always negative.

Nicolette Larson LYRICS - A Lotta Love Lyrics

its gonna take a lotta love to change the way things are

its gonna take alotta love or we wont get too far

so if you look in my direction

and we dont see eye to eye,

my heart needs protection and so do i .

its gonna take a lotta love to get us thorugh the night

its gonna take a lotta love to make this work out right

so if you are out there waiting i hope you show up soon

you know i need relating, not solitude

gotta lot of love , gotta lot of love

its gonna take a lotta love to change the way things are

its gonna take alotta love or we wont get too far

its gonna take a lotta love, its gonna take a lotta love..

Monday Blues (a letter of regret)

It’s the start of a recess week, finally a week to energize myself, to prepare myself for the next half of semester. Well… the university’s point of view is the same, recess week is a week for us to energize, but they did it in a different way. The source of energy they provides are tones of “nutritious” tutorial, assignments and projects. I am sitting in my room busy typing my assignment. The radio started playing “lost without your love” by Bread, the feeling of emptiness came back to haunt me again. I started to wonder if he is still alright? I started to worry for him, thinking of what could have made him look like he really disappear? My heart feels so heavy and pain, it feels like my heart have drown in the pond of misery, and sink all the way down to the bottom to my feet. I started to do more and more silly things, committing mistakes that I cannot redeem and making myself regret. But I don’t know why. Can’t I just be more independent? I really feel very helpless, the lyrics just seen to explain my life. I guess I must stand up and be more independent.

(Lost Without Your Love by Bread)

Lost and all alone

I always thought that I could make it on my own

Since you left I hardly make it through the day

My tears get in the way

And I need you back to stay

I wander through the night

And search the world to find

The words to make it right

All I want is just the way it used to be

With you here close to me

Ive got to make you see

That Im lost without your love

Life without you isnt worth the trouble of

Im as helpless as a ship without a wheel

A touch without a feel

I cant believe its real...

And someday soon Ill wake

And find my heart wont have to break

Yes Im lost without your love

Life without you isnt worth the trouble of

All I want is just the way it used to be

I need you here with me

Oh darlin cant you see...

If we had love before

We can have it back once more

Another Saturday

Another Saturday have pass, I reflect on my situation, nothing much have change expect for the weather. A warmer weather, a colder heart. I am still a lonely flower. It is perhaps a right time to stop, to stop thinking and to stop hoping, miracles only appear in fairytales. Loneliness does not change with weather. Lying on my bed typing, I am thinking what I can do other than hoping for miracles to happen. So please buck up! So anyone who sees me online, please chase me off and study.

Saturday

The day is boring with cold wind and a sun that comes and goes. The cold wind froze my heart signaling me a negative aura. I am hiding in my room mugging waiting for miracles to knock on my door. Will miracles come and knock on my door today? I wonder. Will he come over today? Will we meet today? The wind continues to blow strongly, the sun hide behind the dark clouds.
There is no answer other than the increasing pain in the heart. Perhaps it’s just the cold wind blowing, or perhaps my heart is too cold, it start to froze.

Reflections and Confusion

I thought my mind has master the art to take things easily, to feel free about the world changes, the stay emotionless to every single form of evolution.
But I actually underestimate myself, I am still made of flesh and blood, emotions still runs through every single cell of my body.
Sadness, anger and hatred capture my heart, strangling it's neck, suffocating it, stopping it from taking the last breath of oxygen.
Friendship and betrayal pounders my mind, forcing me to question myself, am I just a selfish jerk, who is immersed in my thought of jealousy?
Or are my eyes telling me the truth, pushing me down the cliff of truth?

Wiseman, please give me a direction.
Please give me eternal happiness and fill the cliff of truth with thoughts of wisdom. If life is all about 1,2,3, perhaps there will never be sadness…

The concept of "unconditional love"

This New Year is really I will never forget, not because of the joy it brings me. But how much pain I am feeling deep in my heart.
It’s the 9 of February today; I was waiting for my god brother’s arrival. I was hoping everything will be back to normal after we have some misunderstanding few days before New Year. I bought him a $300 Asics voucher to get him the best track shoes he need, but never did I expect this issue lead to so much unhappiness. He return the money to me and requested that I shall never spend any money on him anymore. He never spend so much in his life to buy a pair of shoe for himself, it must have really hurt him a lot. We argued about this issue and never did I expect, this issue actually ruin my new year.
Previously before we argued, we have actually agreed to catch a movie on the 9 of February. But it did not happen… he still came over in the evening today. But it was really just for a short while. He got his washed running singlet from my cupboard and left. Claiming that he is meeting a friend for dinner.
Seeing another of my close friend at the door, I finally understand that he is meeting him for dinner. On their way to dinner, they really look so close, I really feel so outcaste, I am like a total stranger. Next, we were actually need to take the train to somewhere for dinner, I was so careless that I actually forgot to bring my wallet along, knowing that he should have an extra EZ link card, I requested from him. But he said that he only brought one of his EZ link card along. However, just before I was about to purchase a new card, he actually claim that he found the extra card in his bag, I really makes me feel that I am not welcome…
He took out his new I pod mini from his bag and said that it’s a present given to him from a friend and he took one day to learn how to use it. After hearing this, I am really very depressed and shock, how can it be so unfair? Why can he accept an I pod mini from a friend, a t-shirt from the friend that we are now together with? And yet totally reject my present? This is so unfair.
During the journey and during dinner, we didn’t talk much; I was watching them talking more than myself talking. Never did I expect the present to elevate into such a horrible issue. The feeling of unfairness captures my heart, the feeling of loneliness haunting me. I feel that I am being betrayed, by my best friend. How can the world be so unfair? Why is it that my present is not being accepted?
I sincerely question my concept of “unconditional love”. Am I doing the right thing? What is the concept of “unconditional love” again? I have this crazy idea of getting the shoe back, and returning him the money, but I need a lot of advice, I need to know what the right thing to do. I want to reverse time so that nothing bad had happen before. But is it possible? “Unconditional love” is to give without asking, but that is not enough. The real form of “unconditional love” is perhaps to give what is needed and yet without hurting the other party. I really need so advice…