二十二岁的两份礼物

四月五日，我收到了二十二岁的第一份礼物。正用着我的礼物打字。我的这份礼物是一份手提电脑的辅助机。这份礼物是干哥哥送的，收到这份礼物时，非常意外，干哥哥要我自己看看哪一个是我的礼物，本来以为他买了毛绒玩具给我，我还是很高兴。没想到他送我的却是价值百多元的电脑辅助机，让我觉得受宠若惊。大哥说我的坐姿不正确，为了让我改掉坏习惯所以买了这个辅助机。真的觉得很心痛让他那么破费。这可能是我今年收到最珍贵的礼物，珍贵不只在于价钱，也在于大哥的用心。大哥原本只能用一个下午来陪我提前共度生日，可是我却故意有心拖延时间，把一个下午变成了一天。虽然看得出大哥的疲倦，但他却坚持帮我庆祝生日，这么好的大哥哪里找？真希望时间停留，让我永远能保留这份感动。我往往都无法真心相信他人给予的爱，也无法相信自己的直觉。希望这次我能真心新人握在手里的幸福，不去践踏，但给予关爱。谢谢大哥！

It's all Karma

I ask myself if I should feel sad about not having dinner with my god-brother this Saturday. My answer is no, I should not be sad. But well… things turn out different… I am sad, awfully sad. I shouldn’t be this way I feel, but I guess I have to answerable for it. I kind of have this feeling things might not work out right this Saturday, maybe something will crop out all of a sudden, maybe it’s rain so heavily things might cancel etc, and the reason being I broke my promise, an important promise. I believe, it’s a form of karma, I broke my promise and bad karma comes so I have to pay for it. If I was given another chance, I’ll never break it, I am so sure because I am so regretful now. It always seem impossible for me to realized my mistakes before I can prevent myself from committing it. I just hope that nothing bad will happen. If god is ever around and he reads my blog, how I hope he can constantly remind me in a gentle way to keep to my promises so that I don’t have to face with any bad karma. As for now, all I can do it’s to endure the lonely weekend, it might seen pack, but it’s lonely. I guess that’s how my life should be, a university’s student’s life.

CH2291, Chinese Tradition SUCKS!

I have to say I hate it when I am force to tell the truth sometimes. But I have to tell everyone, everyone who in NUS, about to enroll into NUS and considering to study in NUS. Please for your own sake, please reconsider again, and please reconsider a trillion times before you decide to take the module CH2291, Chinese Tradition, because the module SUCKS! I am referring to the particular event today during my tutorials. I was stopped from asking more questions during a presentation from other tutorial mates by my lecturer. I have to admit that my intention of asking questions during the one of the presentation was out of bad purpose. 2 of the tutorial mates who were presenting today were initially from my group (our 1st presentation consist of these 2 group members, me and another girl). However, these 2 tutorial mates’ claims that they want to do a different topic and hence decided to go separate ways. But never did I expect to see both of them doing the same presentation today. It’s quite obvious there’s something fishy. I feel that I have being deceive, how despicable are they! Claiming they wanted to do a different topic and yet in the end doing the same topic together. Can’t they just tell the truth that they don’t want to do the presentation in the same group?
I decided to take revenge, to ask questions so as to put them in a difficult position. But neither did I expect, my lecturer was so enthusiastic that he stopped me from asking more question, claiming that there was no much time left. Well… I have to say, it looks so contradicting, on one hand, he wants us to ask questions (and no one is willing to ask any) on the other hand he stopped me from asking further questions. Isn’t the purpose of education to pursue of knowledge and understand more? Well… not the case for NUS and especially not the case for module code CH2291, Chinese Tradition.
It may look like I am speaking like a devil here and that anger have made me gone irrational. But I strongly believe what I say is the truth. A lonely and cold NUS, where you can find no true friends but hypocrite who say something but act in another way. Lecturers who stop you from asking more just because they claim that time is up (what a reasonable excuse). People please be careful. Angle, I am so sorry I can’t see anything positive.

星期六的反省

忽然间发现， 一直困扰着我的是什么，那份无名的恐惧是这么来的。失去了一切之后，让我变得很彷徨，这份彷徨演变成了害怕与忧郁。黑暗的情绪就像一块黑布蒙蔽了我的眼睛，我竟然没有发现我把自己一步步推到竞技场上。我选择了竞争来报复，希望通过胜利来证明自己的生存价值。可是时间的流逝却让蒙住我眼睛的那块黑布变得越来越暗，我开始质疑自己的实力，我真的有办法证明自己的生存价值吗？又或许我的生存没有价值？我很害怕自己会再吃另一场败仗，失去了这么多，我真的没有能力再失去任何东西。我很质疑竞技场上的人真的是我的对手吗？我多么希望不是，我多么希望他是我能扶我一把的朋友。但有可能吗？或许我早已失去对友情的信心，没有办法再相信。

Feeling "Lotta Love"

Same old day with same old procedure, it’s Tuesday and I am still busy typing my assignments. Forcing myself to feel happy or neutral about everything. I drown myself in my tutorials again. I don’t remember since when, but I started to get addicted to gold 90.5FM. Immerse myself with unfamiliar oldies. It’s really a unique feeling. I don’t know if I am really focusing on my work, but I am forcing myself to. Is it myself, or is it fate that I came across this song. The song is called “Lotta Love”, and it was sung by Nicolette Larson. It’s really unusual for me to like fast song, especially fast English songs. I decided to check through the lyrics and to my surprise, it is reflecting exactly how i feel. It's really a fast, sad, yet loevable song, makes you feel like you are drunk listening. Maybe it’s true that similar forces attract each other, positive always attract the positive and negative always negative.

Nicolette Larson LYRICS - A Lotta Love Lyrics

its gonna take a lotta love to change the way things are

its gonna take alotta love or we wont get too far

so if you look in my direction

and we dont see eye to eye,

my heart needs protection and so do i .

its gonna take a lotta love to get us thorugh the night

its gonna take a lotta love to make this work out right

so if you are out there waiting i hope you show up soon

you know i need relating, not solitude

gotta lot of love , gotta lot of love

its gonna take a lotta love to change the way things are

its gonna take alotta love or we wont get too far

its gonna take a lotta love, its gonna take a lotta love..

Monday Blues (a letter of regret)

It’s the start of a recess week, finally a week to energize myself, to prepare myself for the next half of semester. Well… the university’s point of view is the same, recess week is a week for us to energize, but they did it in a different way. The source of energy they provides are tones of “nutritious” tutorial, assignments and projects. I am sitting in my room busy typing my assignment. The radio started playing “lost without your love” by Bread, the feeling of emptiness came back to haunt me again. I started to wonder if he is still alright? I started to worry for him, thinking of what could have made him look like he really disappear? My heart feels so heavy and pain, it feels like my heart have drown in the pond of misery, and sink all the way down to the bottom to my feet. I started to do more and more silly things, committing mistakes that I cannot redeem and making myself regret. But I don’t know why. Can’t I just be more independent? I really feel very helpless, the lyrics just seen to explain my life. I guess I must stand up and be more independent.

(Lost Without Your Love by Bread)

Lost and all alone

I always thought that I could make it on my own

Since you left I hardly make it through the day

My tears get in the way

And I need you back to stay

I wander through the night

And search the world to find

The words to make it right

All I want is just the way it used to be

With you here close to me

Ive got to make you see

That Im lost without your love

Life without you isnt worth the trouble of

Im as helpless as a ship without a wheel

A touch without a feel

I cant believe its real...

And someday soon Ill wake

And find my heart wont have to break

Yes Im lost without your love

Life without you isnt worth the trouble of

All I want is just the way it used to be

I need you here with me

Oh darlin cant you see...

If we had love before

We can have it back once more

Another Saturday

Another Saturday have pass, I reflect on my situation, nothing much have change expect for the weather. A warmer weather, a colder heart. I am still a lonely flower. It is perhaps a right time to stop, to stop thinking and to stop hoping, miracles only appear in fairytales. Loneliness does not change with weather. Lying on my bed typing, I am thinking what I can do other than hoping for miracles to happen. So please buck up! So anyone who sees me online, please chase me off and study.